On Wednesday I was hoping that my mood would calm down, I stayed up late that night so that I was so tired I would get straight to sleep and wouldn’t keep waking up during the night. I went to bed at about 2 AM, and slept straight through until about 7 yesterday morning.
I was feeling in quite a good mood yesterday morning, even though the sleep was shorter than usual, the fact it wasn’t disturbed was good to me. My dad came round, and we went round to my sisters, the conversation was going well for a time, after about an hour there though I could feel my mood changing.
I was stood in my sister’s back garden having a smoke, then it started. I began to feel paranoid that while I was outside having a smoke they were talking about me inside. Nothing bad I don’t think, just neutral stuff. And, I think I imagined they were concerned and had noticed some changes in me. They may well have done, however I clearly have it in my mind that I don’t like people noticing.
My mood began to sink, I didn’t say anything when I returned back inside, as I didn’t want them to be overly worried. I have had those thoughts before and thought they’d pass. They did briefly, eventually the visit ended, and dad dropped me back at my place.
When I returned home, I was very aware of work being done over the road, on the front, and I think there was some work going on at the back of the block as well. The back of my head began to tingle as I tried to distract myself with music on the radio. But the distraction wasn’t working. I was becoming more and more aware of all the noises, the work being done, cars going past, and then the next door neighbours moving around next door.
I started imagining that I was on the verge of psychosis, and was terrified. There were all sorts of intrusive thoughts coming into my head, thoughts that the neighbours were talking about me that I was “weird”, thoughts that people passing when I was stood on the front having a smoke noticed I might have seemed strange or odd, trying to rush to finish my smoke so I could get back inside.
My chest began to tighten and I was sweating, and I am now thinking about the feelings as i’m typing this. I was trying not to battle my thoughts and to just let them run, however difficult it was trying to let them run and not fight them, I couldn’t fight them, fighting them would make it worse.
Eventually things began to ease after about an hour I think it was. I just wanted to go to sleep after that, I lay on the couch but I couldn’t get to sleep, I could still hear all the noises, and now there was something extra, there was some banging going on at the back. I looked out of the window and there were some ladders outside next doors place. There was some work being done on the roof I think.
I did eventually manage to calm down after having a couple of hot chocolates. And went to bed at about 5:30 Yesterday. I couldn’t get straight to sleep, even though I was tired, and felt like I could when I got into bed. I was imagining people who live and work close by were talking about me. I was imagining the conversations with the people’s voices, they were trying to work me out I thought, they were thinking I had schizophrenia, possibly bipolar, definitely depression they were saying I thought. “He doesn’t like getting into conversations” I imagined one said, “he looked shit scared” I imagined another said. After 2 hours, I eventually managed to get to sleep.
I was woken up during the night by the sounds of the neighbours arguing, again! “Just fuck off, get out”! Stuff like that. About 3 AM that was, managed to get back to sleep by about 4, and was out of bed just after 5 this morning. Feeling low and tired this morning.