Saturday morning thoughts

Yesterday was a bit of an emotionally draining day for me.  Not really bad, just draining.

I’d managed to get an appointment at the doctor’s to discuss my progress over the past month.  It’s a bit of a lottery whether or not you manage to actually get an appointment for the same day unless you have a pre booked appointment, but very often you have to wait a week or 2 for a pre booked appointment with the usual doctor you see.

So, I wrote down some notes I wanted to talk about with the doctor from the past month, using this blog as a reference.  It is very useful for referring to when i’m not very good at remembering all the things i’d like to talk about.

Just as I was on my way out I received my post.  One of the letters was about a referral, which I only called about on Monday!  Bloody heck that was quick I thought.  The assessment is for next week.

The waiting room was very full when I walked in through the door, my head felt tingly at the back and felt like it was in a vice.  I scanned the waiting room and there wasn’t a chair free that had no one next to it.  So I stood at the back of the room feeling sure the people in the office behind me were talking about me, but I didn’t turn round and tried to concentrate on the tv at the front of the room.  Eventually after a number of people had been called in there were a couple of free chairs, one was perfect, on the right side of the room, and with no one sat right next to me.

I think I managed to remember everything I wanted to chat to the doctor about.  The severe anxiety attack in mid December was the main thing.  Last year I had about 4 very severe ones like that during the year, lasting for hours at a time, with other minor ones through the year, alongside other experiences.

As I was explaining to the doctor about my friend taking me to the surgery while having that severe experience in mid December, I was feeling a little bit guilty that I was somehow blaming her for not having anyone to see at the time.  The surgery said at the time it would be best to get me to Accident and Emergency at a hospital, but I didn’t want my friend to have to wait with me for hours, plus the symptoms were beginning to calm down as we were driving from the surgery.

I hope the doctor didn’t think I was blaming her, I wasn’t, as i’ve said previously I do think she has tried her best.  I explained how years ago I was under a psychiatrist, and I wondered if that would perhaps be helpful, also about feeling very isolated when in the middle of one of those experiences and having nowhere to turn as i’ve been discharged and rereferred to the CMHT more times than I can remember.

The doctor wanted to focus on what the NHS could do, I explained that I had called on Monday, and had received a referral letter just before leaving the house to visit the doctors.

We chatted about potential drop in centres, but they’d be difficult to get to not being able to drive.  Especially if I was feeling at my most vulnerable, and panicky, I wouldn’t be able to get on a bus.  I did used to go to a day centre years ago, for a few years, and it wasn’t far to walk from where I lived.  It might be good if there was one closer to me, but it was shut down a few years ago.

I have a website to take a look at, possibly a freephone helpline as well, so that may prove useful in the future.

When I returned home, I began to type up notes ready for the mental health assessment next week.  I like to be prepared for something like that, so I don’t forget anything I should tell them.  Finished typing them after about 3 or 4 hours.

Was very tired after that day emotionally, not upset or anything like that, and went to bed at about 6 PM.  Waking up this morning just before 5AM.

The back of my head has been feeling tingly again this morning, but maybe that will go soon.

Have a good weekend!

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